Saturday, October 17, 2009

This is a random chapter that I really wanna use but so far has no context.

Neige Rouge


(This is a conversation between Stoya and a lawyer that follows her after one of her meetings with Marshal Carver. They enter a relationship and things go sour. This conversation occurs many months later after their initial meeting.)

"There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness." - Tim Freidman.


Christopher:

The city is freezing in July. Standing on the roof together we look at it's cold, bleak streets, I put my arm around her to stop the shivering.

S: “Some times I think you’re the only one who really knows me.”

C: “Maybe I am. All I know is that I’ve loved you since that night and I haven’t stopped. I won’t stop.”

S: “You will if you ever end up with me.”

C: “No I won’t. Think of the men that have been with you. How many loved you? How many
wanted to share their lives with you?”

S: “Five out of six…but only three out of the five wanted to share their lives with me.”

C: “What does that say about you?”

S: “I hurt the people that give me their hearts.”

C: “You inspire people to give you their hearts in the first place.”

S: “I shouldn’t be allowed to date.”

C: “If anything, there should be more women like you. There aren’t many people that are as understanding as you of so much. That is the common ground that all humans stand on. The desire to just be understood for who they are. That is the battle. You’re the only one that seems to diminish the need to fight.”

S: “What good is it if they all want to be with you when you’re bound to one person. It just hurts them more. You more than anyone should know that. God how I reproach myself for letting you get close to me. I’m like a viper disguised as a kitten.”

C: “You’re being a little harsh.”

S: “I’m being accurate.” I pull her close, so that we’re almost touching.

C: “Being in love is one of the most painful feelings in the world.”

S: “I’m sorry.”

C: “You didn’t let me finish. Being in love is one of the most painful things in the world. But at the same time it’s great to have something in your life that makes you feel so much at once you feel like you’re the luckiest person.”

S: “That’s such a load of shit.”

C: “It’s not. You know it. You know how much love hurts. I’ve seen it hurt you. Do you wish it were different?”

S: “No. I told you: it is futile to regret.”

C: “You have to take steps. Little ones.”

S: “Why won’t anyone just let me sit alone in myself, why do you all need me so much? Why do you need me at all? You and everyone else tells me, till you’re blue in the face that I’m special. How? Where? Show me?! You give me all these reasons as to why but they’re tired and they’re crap! Why honestly?! What’s the real reason you need me?”

C: “I’ve told you already. What do you want to hear?”

S: “Shut up. All I want to hear is “I don’t love you” and “you’re not special”.”

C: “I’m not going to lie to you.”

S: “Isn’t that what people do when they’re in love?”

C: “Stop mocking love.”

S: “Why? It makes a mockery of us, of our rationality. Why not mock it?”

C: “Because it’s the only reason everyone isn’t killing everyone else.”

S: “Bollocks. The only reason we don’t kill one another is because of dependence and you know it.”

C: “I thought I was meant to be the pessimist.”

S: “You are. I’m a realist.”

C: “I thought you were the optimist?”

S: “Only on the outside.”

C: “So you’re faking it?”

S: “Not at all. I really do believe the world isn’t so fucking horrid.”

C: “When there are people like you in it I’m sure it can’t be all horrible.”

S: “But you see, that’s just bias. I should think that I make the world that much worse.”

C: “Oh?”

S: “Indeed. Like T.H White said “Life is such unutterable hell, solely because it is sometimes beautiful. if we could only be miserable all the time, if there could be no such things as love or beauty or faith or hope, if I could be absolutely certain that my love would never been returned: how much more simple life would be”.”

C: “I told you that quote when we first met.”

S: “And it has stayed with me since.”

C: “I want you.”

S: “So do they.”

C: “Not as much as I do. I’ve stuck by you through whatever.”

S: “And I’ve abandoned you.”

C: “But you came back.”

S: “And left again.”

C: “Stop this!”

S: “You stop it. We’re so estranged. I don’t know how we can even stay friends.”

C: “What’s left of Europe…the dream.”

S: “You abandoned it!”

C: “Because I thought I’d lost you.”

S: “You could never lose me Christopher. I’ll always be here.”

C: “Always and never.”

S: “No. Always. I promise.”

C: “You keep making the same promise and breaking it.”

S: “So does that not prove my case?”

C: “No.”

S: “Why the hell not?”

C: “Because even though not being with you is the cause of my misery, not having you in my life at all would be complete devastation.”

S: “I promise I’ll always be a part of your life Christopher. But could you really stand it?”

C: “I’m sure I’ll get past it eventually, but for now, let’s just stare at the city.”

S: “Like we used to.”

C: “Like we always will.”

S: “Promise?”

I look her directly in those beautiful, glassy eyes. “Yes.”

No comments:

Post a Comment